Heartbroken

[ValleyGal]

Just a little personal rant....

I have a friend I've known for 47 years. We were best friends for more than 20 years. Then she married someone who figured I was a "bad influence" and would not allow me to see her for a couple of years - and then only once every year or two, although we eventually stayed in touch a little more through email. I have a lot of resentment toward her husband. Anyway, a couple of years ago they decided to move away to train in the Salvation Army. That takes two years, and now they are stationed a very long way away. I also do not live in the same city anymore, but it's only a 3 hour drive.

They were in our hometown for their daughter's wedding for two full weeks (but only one weekend - the weekend of the wedding). I got some vacation time so I could go and see her while she was there, but then it interfered with my husband's educational needs, so we had to stay here. I sent her a text, though, saying I would love to make a day trip one of those days, if she can get together.

She was too busy.

I am devastated and heartbroken. I would have driven 6 hours over a mountain pass (it would have cost me about $80 in gas alone, never mind wear and tear), and was willing to do that for her, just to spend an hour with her before she goes. She lives so far away now that there is no telling whether I will ever get to see her again. It would require real coordination with both of us to be in the same town at the same time. That is very unlikely with her controlling husband.

I was so willing to sacrifice for her...and yet she could not make an hour for me, even being in town for two weeks. After 47 years. I'm just so tired of reaching out to her only to be unimportant enough to make time for. I've reluctantly decided it's best to give up, which breaks my heart.

The sad part is that now they have become representative of the Salvation Army, which lowers my opinion of the SA. If they (she) treat a friend of 47 years like this, I hate to think what they (he) will destroy in their church. He set out from day one to destroy our friendship and in my opinion, he just did it. It took him more than 20 years with my best friend, but he finally broke me.

 

[visionary]

People change. Needs change. Past sometimes needs to stay in the past.

 

[ValleyGal]

I kinda thought we were lifelong friends, after 47 years. Is an hour after two years really that unreasonable for a friend to meet with a friend?

 

[Lamb]

I have a question about this part

I got some vacation time so I could go and see her while she was there, but then it interfered with my husband's educational needs, so we had to stay here. I sent her a text, though, saying I would love to make a day trip one of those days, if she can get together.

Did you tell her you'd meet up and then change your plans because of the interference of your husband's educational needs? It could be she was fuming that you changed things and she thought you were blowing her off?

 

[Inkachu]

VG, I feel you so much! My best and dearest friend from high school (we were truly like sisters) up and left to move in with her abusive, controlling boyfriend, who refused to allow me to see her and vice versa. He locked her in his house for years and beat her, raped her, she had two children by him. I was beyond heartbroken. She snuck me in to visit her once, I think. I helped her get away from him multiple times, but she always went back. It was truly like my friend had died, and I grieved, and it still hurts to think about it. I had another friend who was like a sister to me in high school, and I loved her fiercely, but her family moved to California; again, I was heartbroken. She moved back to my area a few years ago, and I was ecstatic to think I could see her again! I was positive she'd want to see me, too. Sadly, I was mistaken. She never reached out to me at all, even though I contacted her on Facebook. Not only that, but she became good friends with my other friend (the abused one) instead. And on top of that, both of them became friends with my ex (the man who abandoned me and my son). Talk about salt on open wounds. All I can do is resign myself to cutting them out of my life and just dealing with the hurt.

 

[ValleyGal]

I have a question about this part


Did you tell her you'd meet up and then change your plans because of the interference of your husband's educational needs? It could be she was fuming that you changed things and she thought you were blowing her off?

It could be, although I let her know that I was still going to try to get up there for a day. I just didn't know which one. So yes, it was a last minute plan. At least she knew I was trying everything to get up there and see her while I can. Finances were also a consideration, but I managed to find the money - which makes it worse because it took a lot for me to find the money to actually drive 6 hours to have coffee with my friend.

She ended up texting me and telling me how she was spending the day. There were some things that absolutely could not be changed, but her appointments didn't start until 11:00 and her late afternoon and evening she was spending with her other daughter. So she could have made time in the morning or maybe been a little flexible about her time with her daughter like leave an hour later or get back an hour earlier. Her daughter lives there and they have more than just an hour to spend together on one day.

In short, yes, maybe she was upset that I had been so on the edge and last minute about going. If she were coming here, I would have taken a day off work just to spend an hour with her. I suppose I'm just really sensitive to this too, because I had another very close friend who I made huge sacrifices for when her husband died... and when I decided to leave town, she made all kinds of rumors, broken confidentialities, and destroyed most of my relationships and reputation in my hometown. Then I pursued her for 3 years to reconcile, and she just wouldn't. She apologized, but she ended up not answering my calls or emails when I tried to restore friendship. That was one of my most painful times in my life. So I'm probably hypersensitive to this friend who does not have the time of day for me....

 

[ValleyGal]

Inka, I'm sooo sorry about your friends. It's just so painful, and yes, there must be a grief associated with it. Your friends are unhealthy, so it makes sense that they would choose to be friends with your unhealthy ex. It is also a sign that you have come a long way out of unhealthiness because you are attracting healthy people into your life now. That does not make it easier or less painful, though. It's so hard to keep a soft heart for those who grieve us by making choices that in essence, reject us.

I'm not going to cut my friend out. I'm just going to stop pursuing. She knows how to get in touch with me, so I'll leave it to her. She knows if she ever needs a place to go, she is always welcome here and we will keep her safe.

 

[ValleyGal]

This is so weird but I love how God works!

Yesterday after I wrote about my heartbreak, I got a text explaining why she could not meet up. Now today after I wrote about flexibility, she sent me a text saying she could meet up later this evening. So I'm off to pack an overnight bag and head out for the 3-hour drive. I'm so excited to be able to see my friend!

 

[psalms 91]

Glad it all worked out well

 

[Lamb]

This is so weird but I love how God works!

Yesterday after I wrote about my heartbreak, I got a text explaining why she could not meet up. Now today after I wrote about flexibility, she sent me a text saying she could meet up later this evening. So I'm off to pack an overnight bag and head out for the 3-hour drive. I'm so excited to be able to see my friend!

That's awesome news!! I hope you have a really great time!

 

[ValleyGal]

What a wonderful day! It was so good to see my friend. We visited for two full hours over coffee, and talked about things we usually don't talk about. What a good day! It was totally a God thing today, for sure. Sometimes he just puts things together in ways that show us he's at work in our lives. Today was one of those days - in more ways than even this one seeing my friend. He is a great God....

 

[Lamb]

You seem rejuvenated I'm glad you have fun! Sometimes we just need to hang with our besties and be ourselves!

 

[psalms 91]

I am glad it was a blessed day

 

[Inkachu]

Awesome news, VG! So happy for you Your friend is lucky to have someone like you!!