I learned my friends and family were bad influences on me and I couldn’t move on with them in my life. So I stopped communicating with all of them.
They were a bad influence on you, but can you flip that and become a good influence on them? I obviously don't know your family experience or their side, but ime, estrangement should only be reserved for the most egregious acts such as ongoing abuse of any kind, or possibly addictions.
’ve experienced a lot of trauma and abuse and neglect from them so on one side I know it’s good for me.
My intent is not to undermine anyone's experience, but some people think things like childhood spanking or setting parental limits are abuse, when in reality, all children need boundaries. And what does neglect look like? Was there actual (real) failure to thrive, or did you just feel neglected because your parents didn't jump to meet your needs when they were unable to? Just some questions to ask yourself, to assess whether your estrangement is founded in reality of existential threat.
matter of time until I get better.
I'm sorry to inform you, but time does not make you better. If your situation is actually based on real abuse and neglect, then you will need help - and it is not about getting better or "healing" so much as it is learning to cope with the ongoing effects of what happened, and integrating your survival into your identity.
struggle with severe PTSD, depression and anxiety
There are excellent and effective treatments for these conditions. EMDR (eye movement and desensitization reprocessing), Brainspotting, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Dialectical Behavior Therapy are a few. Please find a therapist who is able to offer any or all of these therapies.
I would face time my family but now I can’t do that.
Is there even one person in your family who is safe? A cousin? An Auntie? A sibling? Anyone?
I become rude and cut them off when talking.
You can change your behaviour. Train yourself to listen to them without the intent of answering or making it all about you. Then they will be more inclined to listen to you as well.
have no human contact during the week so I think my joy to see them is starting to come off as desperation and odd behavior and now I might be ruining our friendships.
Please find ways to get out of your house and around people. Go walking in a favorite park, join a kayak or rowing club, volunteer at your church, attend Bible studies, go to a laundromat (even if you have a laundry at home), or volunteer at a fun tourist stop or social service agency. There are so many things you can do, but one thing I know for sure is that isolating yourself will not be good for your mental health. We are all hard wired for connection. Real life connection. Some of us need this more than others, but I have seen first-hand the effects of long-term isolation from the covid lockdowns. Go out and make friends. God intended us to live in community.
Overall, is there anything I can read in scripture that can help me with this. I don’t know if it’s fear, loneliness, or just my failure to accept what my life is and fighting it is only making it worse. I guess, how do I live a life with no family and possibly never having a genuine human connection.
Scripture? Well, not one in particular, but think about the idea of God sending Jesus to reconcile us to the Father. Jesus' whole ministry is about reconciliation. Reconciliation in relationships is reflective of that ministry and we need to do everything as far as it depends on us, to reconcile with those who we have wronged as well as those who have wronged us. Meditate on the Lord's prayer, to forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us. Think about why we love God - First John says it's because God loved us first, so He took initiative, just as we also need to take initiative in our relationships. Think about boundaries - Cloud and Townsend have a book on this with explanations of how they are biblical and how to implement them without cutting people out of your life if it can be helped.
