Pot smoking older teen?

[Lamb]

Someone I know hasn't asked for my advice, but it got me thinking about what I would do if happened to me. Her older teen son is out of high school, recently had a baby with his girlfriend and refuses to get a job. All he wants to do is sit out in his car and smoke pot.

How would you handle the situation if this was your kid?

 

[Lees]

Someone I know hasn't asked for my advice, but it got me thinking about what I would do if happened to me. Her older teen son is out of high school, recently had a baby with his girlfriend and refuses to get a job. All he wants to do is sit out in his car and smoke pot.

How would you handle the situation if this was your kid?

If the son is still living with his parent, if I were the parent, I would kick him out of the house. If he and his girlfriend live together somwhere, there is not much one can do.

If I were his father, I might go and talk to him and whup his butt. But it probably wouldn't do any good. Once they are that age, the tree is bent.

But...I would make it plain to him, don't come to me for help when you need it, because you are going to need it, and you're not going to get it from me.

Lees

 

[Lamb]

If the son is still living with his parent, if I were the parent, I would kick him out of the house. If he and his girlfriend live together somwhere, there is not much one can do.

If I were his father, I might go and talk to him and whup his butt. But it probably wouldn't do any good. Once they are that age, the tree is bent.

But...I would make it plain to him, don't come to me for help when you need it, because you are going to need it, and you're not going to get it from me.

Lees

What about his baby?

 

[Castle Church]

This is not an enviable position to be in, I am not sure that I could offer any good advice to this person. On the one hand it seems that "kick him out and stop funding anything for him" is the right course, on the other there is the baby to consider. If there were no child the choice is much easier. Does the girlfriend have a job? Is the baby safe regardless? If the answer is "yes" then I would cut off the child. If "no" then I honestly don't have a good answer on what to do.

 

[tango]

Someone I know hasn't asked for my advice, but it got me thinking about what I would do if happened to me. Her older teen son is out of high school, recently had a baby with his girlfriend and refuses to get a job. All he wants to do is sit out in his car and smoke pot.

How would you handle the situation if this was your kid?

Sooner or later he'll run out of money. Hopefully he won't get arrested before that happens.

Ultimately if someone is an adult there's only so much you can do. It's easy to come up with reasons why help has to be endlessly extended for the sake of the baby but ultimately if the baby isn't safe it makes more sense to refer it to child protection than endlessly provide help that would most likely just enable the deadbeat behaviors.

A lot would depend on how long this has been going on. If the son has been smoking for a few days because he doesn't really want a job right now that's a very different proposition to the son doing nothing useful for months or years.

Truth be told even if the baby is technically safe, if it isn't in an environment where it can grow and develop normally it might be worth involving child protection. There's more to a suitable environment than merely not facing immediate danger. If a child doesn't learn normal behaviors they may suffer the effects for the rest of their lives.

If having the child taken away from them inspires them to get their lives in order that may turn out to be a good thing overall. If it doesn't, the child is probably better off elsewhere anyway.

 

[ValleyGal]

In Canada, smoking marijuana is legal as long as the baby is not exposed to the smoke from it and as long as the parents are "sober" when caring for their baby.

You can't force anyone to do anything, so all you can do is figure out how to have very clear boundaries about what you will and will not allow in your house, have consequences for people disrespecting your boundaries, and ensure the baby is safe. If you know the parents are using while caring for baby, then make a call to child protection. Otherwise, what can you do? Let the baby's mom worry about him getting a job and if he doesn't, then let him suffer the consequences of potentially broken relationship, court orders regarding child maintenance, etc. Just don't bail him out of the hole he's digging for himself.

I am concerned about the baby and any potential future babies, though. There is research (I had access at my previous job working with families) that shows when a teenage male uses marijuana regularly, it alters how his body produces sperm, which then of course alters the sperm, leading to adverse effects on baby. The same does not hold true for girls because we are born with all our eggs intact. One of our high schools has a health centre in it, and the teens who attend there are given information on this so they can make informed decisions on what to do with their body. Young people everywhere need to have access to this information.

 

[Lees]

What about his baby?

I don't know. Not enough information concerning the mother.

Lees

 

[Lamb]

I don't know. Not enough information concerning the mother.

Lees

The mother refuses to work and enjoys pot smoking too. They're both lazy parents.

 

[Lees]

The mother refuses to work and enjoys pot smoking too. They're both lazy parents.

The baby has no hope with them. The grandmother is its best hope. Which is why she probably hasn't presented it to you as a problem.

And probably your friend, the grandmother of the child, is too attatched to it to run them off.

I want to say you could try and talk to Child Protection Services to pay them a visit. But that would create a lot of trouble I think. It would be nice if they would agree to just come out to maybe put a scare into them. But I don't think they would do that. Once they get involved, they stay involved. And it would most likely ruin your friendship with them.

I don't think there is any advice or anything anyone can give or do. But something will eventually happen to correct it. It just may not be good.

Lees

 

[Lamb]

The baby has no hope with them. The grandmother is its best hope. Which is why she probably hasn't presented it to you as a problem.

And probably your friend, the grandmother of the child, is too attatched to it to run them off.

I want to say you could try and talk to Child Protection Services to pay them a visit. But that would create a lot of trouble I think. It would be nice if they would agree to just come out to maybe put a scare into them. But I don't think they would do that. Once they get involved, they stay involved. And it would most likely ruin your friendship with them.

I don't think there is any advice or anything anyone can give or do. But something will eventually happen to correct it. It just may not be good.

Lees

I said in my OP I wasn't asking for advice for the woman. I was wondering what the members here would do if they were in that situation?

 

[Nazareth]

I said in my OP I wasn't asking for advice for the woman. I was wondering what the members here would do if they were in that situation?

The woman is a factor because she's mom to his baby.

If neither works they're either on welfare, or are being enabled by someone who doesn't know any better. And doesn't consider the child.

If it were my son I'd kick my own backside for a minute wondering how I failed that badly.

Then I'd line up job opportunities for him and his gf.
If they blew those off and are on welfare, I'd turn them in to CPS, Child Protective Services, and petition for full custody of the baby.

Then they could toke till their brains fall out. While my grandbaby would be guaranteed a quality of life those two can't imagine. Likely due to brain cell burnout.

It's child abuse and neglect that's going on! The $ for the weed can feed that baby. But it doesn't.

No tolerance for lousy parenting. If I'm pro-life that doesn't stop when they're born!

Typo edit fix

 

[Lees]

I said in my OP I wasn't asking for advice for the woman. I was wondering what the members here would do if they were in that situation?

Well, just consider my response. You did ask me what of the baby. So I answered.

Lees

 

[1689Dave]

Someone I know hasn't asked for my advice, but it got me thinking about what I would do if happened to me. Her older teen son is out of high school, recently had a baby with his girlfriend and refuses to get a job. All he wants to do is sit out in his car and smoke pot.

How would you handle the situation if this was your kid?

“And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.” Ephesians 5:11 (KJV 1900)

 

[Lamb]

“And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.” Ephesians 5:11 (KJV 1900)

Are you saying that a mother should avoid her son, his girlfriend because they smoke pot...and what about the baby?

 

[tango]

“And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.” Ephesians 5:11 (KJV 1900)

Hard to "go into the world and make disciples" if we get too caught up in that one.

 

[1689Dave]

Hard to "go into the world and make disciples" if we get too caught up in that one.

If you mollycoddle them, you will end up working for the Devil. The only way they get the message is if you cut them off from all family contact.

 

[1689Dave]

Are you saying that a mother should avoid her son, his girlfriend because they smoke pot...and what about the baby?

Scripture says to avoid them. Helping them without their repentance is helping the Devil to destroy them.

 

[tango]

If you mollycoddle them, you will end up working for the Devil. The only way they get the message is if you cut them off from all family contact.

The best way to get a message through to them is obviously to cut them off so they don't hear anything from you at all, right?

Am I missing something here? Is there no way to get a message through to them without mollycoddling them and without cutting them off from all contact?

 

[1689Dave]

The best way to get a message through to them is obviously to cut them off so they don't hear anything from you at all, right?

Am I missing something here? Is there no way to get a message through to them without mollycoddling them and without cutting them off from all contact?

It's a waste of time. AA says unless a user bottoms out, they don't want help. Let them crash so you can help them.

 

[tango]

It's a waste of time. AA says unless a user bottoms out, they don't want help. Let them crash so you can help them.

Perhaps that might depend on the individual... some certainly need to bottom out but cutting someone off completely doesn't exactly leave the door open to talking to them when they realise they do need help.