Married couples, and their roles

[Sharon]

22 Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church [q]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands also ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are parts of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, as for you individually, each husband is to love his own wife the same as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. - Ephesians 5:22-33 NASB

I was catching up with a friend and she explained her growing frustration with work and home and ultimately her husband. I let her vent and I empathized sharing her frustration in the moment and even shared my own experience my own spouse and his imperfections. In the end we reminded each other that we chose to share our lives with them and in the end we're the ones that are blessed with the ability to give such grace something we strive to share with God as He extends such grace to us daily.

Taking the conversation deeper with her I asked her if she was happy with their arrangement after she disclosed that she probably plans and makes at least 75% of the decisions as a family. I asked her why? There was a pause and I almost feared that I offended her when she asked me what I had meant. Has it always been that way? Is it that he really won't make decisions or could it be possible that he just needs the time to really evaluate the options before making decisions? Have you considered that he might wish he has more say but chooses peace over authority? Do you like being in your position?

I shared that although she of course does not need to share my view but I believe that God made us (women) to support our husbands. Not as slaves or that we must follow blindly but more so as the support for times when we can provide insight to views that they may not see before making decisions. Didn't God make Adam to care for the world and Eve to support him?

My friend asked if we could revisit this conversation because there's a lot to process and she wasn't sure how to respond. Of course I respected that and love our friendship that we can be open with our conversations like this.

I'm curious, what are your thoughts around this?

 

[Odë:hgöd]

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• Eph 5:25-28 . . Husbands love your wives, etc . . .

The English word translated "love" in that passage is conjugated from the Greek
verb agapao (ag-ap-ah'-o) which is a very easy kind of love to practice because it's
more about conduct than affections. Agapao-- unlike phileo (fil-eh'-o) --doesn't
require that we like people or be fond of them.

Examples of agapao love are: kindness, courtesy, greetings, civility, loyalty,
thoughtfulness, sympathy, loyalty, lenience, tolerance, patience, charity,
long-suffering, deference, hospitality, generosity, etc.

This is very fortunate because some wives are impossible to like. However, the
command to love one's enemies also applies to loving a wife who's just as much a
man's enemy as any other.

Incidentally, agapao is the kind of love spoken of in John 3:16-17, which reads:

• John 3:16-17 . . God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten son, that
whoever believes in him should not perish, but have eternal life. For God did not
send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world should be saved
through him

It's not all that difficult to show that God dislikes the world and quite passionately
despises it. The world disgusts God; in his mind's eye the world is deplorable. In
point of fact, the world is basically the kind of people with whom God prefers not to
associate. However though God isn't especially fond of the world, He pities the
world enough to help it escape the wrath of God, i.e. Christ's father is the ultimate
good Samaritan.
_

 

[Odë:hgöd]

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• 1Pet 3:6 . . . Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord; and you have become her
daughters if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

According to that, Sarah's submission to Abraham was voluntary, i.e. she was
neither coerced nor intimidated. Abraham didn't have to break Sarah's spirit by
violence, neglect, or abuse.

That's very interesting because Sarah's original name was Sarai (Gen 17:15) which
in Hebrew means dominative, i.e. domineering. I can't imagine any parent tagging
their little girl with a bossy name like that, but apparently it was appropriate, viz;
baby Sarai must've been a crabby little tyke right from the get-go.

I don't know how or why it came about, but somewhere along the line in their
relationship; Sarah decided within herself that it was far better for the home to
negotiate with her husband rather than destroying his peace of mind with
ultimatums, walk-outs, foot stomping, looking at him with daggers, silent
treatments, withholding conjugal rights, serving cold food, grumpiness,
assertiveness, stone walling, brow beating, chafing, nagging, slamming doors, hissy
fits, and likely a number of other methods that toxic wives employ to manipulate
their men.

In other words: Sarah decided to exercise diplomacy in her relationship with
Abraham; and the important point to note is that she chose that route voluntarily,
i.e. by simply making up her own mind about it.
_

 

[Josiah]

My personal thoughts.....

ROLES: Spouses are a team.... and often team members have different roles. One b-ball player may toss the ball to another who makes the shot. They work TOGETHER to achieve mutual goals/needs. Exactly who does what probably doesn't matter as much as they work together to get things done. And appreciate/celebrate/support each other as they do this. Once upon a time, I think SOME of this simply came down to physical abilities and threats, men took the roles that were dangerous and physically difficult, women those domestic roles less physically challenging and dangerous, and allowing parenting of children. Made sense in that economy. But today, few roles are physically hard and dangerous (and the gals have PROVED they actually can handle those well!) sooo..... it's less obvious and more a matter of mutual choice. But again, who does what... and how.... is not as important as it gets done in MUTUALLY agreed upon ways with MUCH support and appreciation. AND I think often there are shared roles. My beloved and I largely share the cooking and cleaning roles... but she certainly spends more time and effort on parenting although I hare my roles there too. I'm the money maker (she's a full time homemaker) and I do the finances (although we share major decisions on that, including the budget). Whatever works for a couple.

SUBMISSION: I think this is a mutual thing.... because love means the other is more important than ourselves. I'm having a hard time thinking of when my wife "submits" to me, but if/when she does, I'm HOPE it's because of my love for her and her love for me - a factor of love, not power. I at times do "submit" to her in parenting issues because she's just GOOD with that stuff (a retired school teacher); there are times she "corrects" me (um, advises?) and I consider her wiser and "submit." But it's not about power....it's about love.



Blessings!


Josiah



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[Odë:hgöd]

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• Eph 5:22 . .Wives, submit to your husbands as to The Lord.

"as to the Lord" probably means that women ought to revere their husbands with
the same degree of courtesy, civility, and respect that they would give Christ were
he their spouse.

The Greek word for "submit" in this verse is the very same for submit in Eph 5:21,
and never means that wives take orders from their husbands as if marriage were a
totalitarian arrangement.

What we're talking about here is deference rather than obedience. An attitude of
deference is mandatory for Christians on both sides of the gender aisle-- both men
and women.

Deference is agreeable, approachable, tactful, and diplomatic. Deference isn't
confrontational, demanding, assertive, militant, dominating, nor always clamoring
"I am woman! Hear me roar!"

In a nutshell: deference is just the opposite of rivalry. Christian women striving for
equality with their men have not yet learned what it means to submit to a husband
as they would to Christ.
_

 

[Odë:hgöd]

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• Eph 5:23-24 . . For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of
the church, his body, of which he is the savior. Now as the church submits to
Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Christians, no less, have tried to circumvent that requirement by quoting Paul to
refute Paul; for example Gal 3:26-28

But if we were to make Gal 3:26-28 a rule in family affairs; then Christian
marriages would be same-sex unions; and that, to say the least, is quite
unacceptable.

Though both husband and wife are equals as believers, and equally Christ's
subjects, they are definitely not equals in marriage though they be one flesh; just
as Christ and his Father are not equals in the Godhead though they be one deity.
_

 

[Odë:hgöd]

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• Eph 5:28-33a . . Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who
loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds
and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- for we are members of his body.

. . . "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his
wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery-- but I am
talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his
wife as he loves himself,

That, of course, is a practical application of the so-called golden rule; which first
shows up in the Bible at Lev 19:18, applied at Lev 19:34, and reiterated at Matt
7:12 and Luke 6:31.

The very opposite of the golden rule would be for a husband to do unto his wife the
very things that he does do not enjoy being done to himself; either by word or by
deed.

I'm not a qualified marriage counselor, but in my unprofessional opinion, were
couples to practice the golden rule in their association with each other, it would go
a long ways towards preventing their relationship from becoming a cold war instead
of a home.

There are toxic wives out there who do not deserve their husband's affections; and
in fact have done all in their power to destroy them. Nevertheless, it is his Christian
duty to continue looking after her, and to treat her well as if his very life depended
upon it in spite of the fact that she may be someone he deeply regrets courting.
_

 

[Odë:hgöd]

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• Eph 5:33b . . The wife must respect her husband.

The Greek verb for "respect" is phobeo (fob-eh'-o) which essentially refers to fright;
and is used just that way in numerous places throughout the New Testament.

Some translators render phobeo as "reverence" which Webster's defines as honor
or respect; felt or shown; which means that wives don't especially have to like their
husbands in order to respect them, nor even have to admire them. An attitude of
respect will do in lieu of felt respect. In other words: the Christian wife would do
well to stifle the disgust she feels for her husband and be civil.

"You have heard that it was said: You shall love your neighbor, and hate your
enemy. But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you
in order that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His
sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the
unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not
even the tax-gatherers do the same?" (Matt 5:43-48)

"And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise. For if ye
love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love
them. And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? For
sinners also do even the same." (Luke 6:31-33)

I overheard a female caller on radio imperiously announcing to Dr. Laura that she
couldn't respect her husband. So Dr. Laura asked her why. The caller responded:
Because he doesn't deserve it. So Laura asked the caller: Have you earned your
husband's love? The caller retorted: I don't have to deserve his love. It's a
husband's duty to love his wife just as she is.

So Laura pointed out that the caller was practicing a double standard. She
demanded that her husband love her unconditionally, while refusing to respect him
unconditionally. And on top of that; had the chutzpah to dictate the rules of
engagement regardless of how her husband might feel about it; thus making
herself not only impossible to like, but also quite difficult to live with.
_