Divorce

Krissy Cakes

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Since my husband wants one I am here to ask what the bible says about divorce? It hurts me so much that he is a so called "Christian" and he wants a divorce. :(
 

Lämmchen

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Since my husband wants one I am here to ask what the bible says about divorce? It hurts me so much that he is a so called "Christian" and he wants a divorce. :(

Divorce is a topic that Christians disagree on. I don't think that people become unbelievers because they want a divorce but I do think that people should try to reconcile if at all possible.
 

Krissy Cakes

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Divorce is a topic that Christians disagree on. I don't think that people become unbelievers because they want a divorce but I do think that people should try to reconcile if at all possible.

I totally agree with you. It hurts me that he is a Pastors kid and was raised in the church and he wants one. I wasn't raised in the church and I know its wrong and I so don't want it.
 

Krissy Cakes

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tango

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Since my husband wants one I am here to ask what the bible says about divorce? It hurts me so much that he is a so called "Christian" and he wants a divorce. :(

I think that divorce is the kind of topic where you'll get some people who say it's unacceptable regardless of circumstances (as in, if your spouse is literally beating you and beating you to the point your life is in danger then you still have to stay with them), others who say that you may leave an abusive or adulterous spouse and still others who don't see a problem with shrugging things off if they "didn't work out".

One question to consider (and this is for you, whether you personally or the two of you collectively) is why things aren't working out. You mentioned in another thread about financial troubles and health issues - if you've got money troubles running one household it's unlikely things are going to be any better if the same amount of money has to run two households. Yet money (or specifically the lack of money) is a major cause for marital strife. If you've got very different outlooks on how and when to spend your money, look at resolving them. It can easily cause a lot of tension if one spouse earns and is frugal while the other doesn't earn and spends more freely, the idea that "I work all day to earn it while s/he wastes it" can cause a growing resentment that can eat at the heart of your relationship unless it's resolved one way or another. If you've got that going on (and for the sake of an example I'll assume he earns and you spend) then perhaps you could reduce your spending, or he could agree that you get a certain amount to call your own that you can spend however you want without running it by him at all. When my wife and I were first married I grew to resent the fact she didn't work and spent her time lunching here and there while I was stuck at a desk earning the money to pay for her to have one jolly after another.

If you've got mismatches in what might (to keep things PG rated) be called physical desires perhaps that's something where you need to "meet in the middle". The one with lower desires can maybe do what's required for the sake of the other, while the one with stronger desires might "take matters in hand" once in a while to take pressure off the other.

Ultimately the thing you need to do is talk and truly listen. It's remarkable how many people think that "listening" refers to the bit where the other person talks while they think of what they are going to say next, or the bit where the other person talks while they prepare their rebuttal. But listening is about hearing where the other person is coming from, about trying to get into their shoes and see the world through their eyes. If your husband has a complaint about you let him explain what his issue is and consider whether he has a fair point. Instead of rushing to insist that what you're doing is eminently reasonable, listen to how things look through his eyes. It may be he's misunderstood something, or he thinks you should have been doing something while you thought he was doing it, it may be you need to change something to help him, it may be he needs to change his expectations. But until you talk things through all you've got is "this isn't working" with no indication as to why.

To give you an example of how a simple misunderstanding can cause issues within a relationship (and this is relatively trivial when compared to a potential divorce, but hopefully makes the point), some years ago my wife and I had some friends around for a barbecue. We had a load of paper plates and plastic cutlery so that once we were done the whole lot could go in the trash. But we ran out of plastic cutlery, so one of our friends had a look in the kitchen and found a fork in the drawer. I didn't want him using that fork at an outside barbecue because it was a silver plated fork that we inherited from my in-laws, so I asked him to swap it for one of the cheap and nasty things I bought when I first left home. My concern was that a silver fork could get trodden on or inadvertently thrown away, but what he took away from the exchange was that we had fancy silver cutlery and he wasn't good enough to be allowed to use them. It was some months later, when he visited again as part of a smaller group and was visibly surprised when I gave him the silver cutlery, that I realised how he had felt after the previous exchange. Once we realised the misunderstanding we could both laugh about it, but until then he had the idea that he was some kind of second class friend when my only concern was to protect my nicer kitchenware from being stepped on.
 

Krissy Cakes

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I have BPD, depression and health issues. He has "anxiety" and "autism". I say it like that as he hasn't been diagnosed. And I know its hard living with me and sometimes he drives me nuts but I love him. He is with his parents right now so I guess his dad will continue to talk to him and hopefully open his eyes and see he really doesn't want this. Cause if not and we do get it. I have to move back in with my parents and get rid of Peanut!! :cry:
 

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Everyone has some sort of issue! Marriage isn't the fairytale that they want it to be and society tells us it's okay to move on and get that rough patch out of your life. Yet society forgets we make marriage vows before the Lord or they don't care about the Lord.

Marriage is hard work and who wants to work hard? We want things to be happy and cozy.

I've been married for 25 years. We are not perfect. One thing I tell people when the ask how we have stayed together so long is this, "Don't kill each other." :rofl3:
 

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I'm so sorry your husband wants a divorce. That must be so hard with all the problems you already have. My parents divorced and my dad fought it because of his religion. He took it all the way to the Supreme Court and they still gave my mom the divorce. It's kind of funny but they became friends again and were good friends until they died.
 

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I have BPD, depression and health issues. He has "anxiety" and "autism". I say it like that as he hasn't been diagnosed. And I know its hard living with me and sometimes he drives me nuts but I love him. He is with his parents right now so I guess his dad will continue to talk to him and hopefully open his eyes and see he really doesn't want this. Cause if not and we do get it. I have to move back in with my parents and get rid of Peanut!! :cry:

From what I understand things like autism aren't always as clear cut a situation as either having it or not having it, more a spectrum where you may have it to a mild extent that barely affects day-to-day life, or a severe extent that renders someone barely functional, or anything in between. Likewise "anxiety" could be the kind of thing where someone needs to pull themselves together, or a psychologically crippling condition that needs professional help, or anything in between. From your user name I assume your husband is/was in the army - is he suffering with PTSD after being posted into an active area? If so I'd hope the army would provide some form of counselling to help him through it.

From here all I can do is pray for you both.
 

Krissy Cakes

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I'm so sorry your husband wants a divorce. That must be so hard with all the problems you already have. My parents divorced and my dad fought it because of his religion. He took it all the way to the Supreme Court and they still gave my mom the divorce. It's kind of funny but they became friends again and were good friends until they died.

Well I told him when we got married even tho I love him I don't want to be friends if he divorces me. It would be too painful.
 

Krissy Cakes

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From what I understand things like autism aren't always as clear cut a situation as either having it or not having it, more a spectrum where you may have it to a mild extent that barely affects day-to-day life, or a severe extent that renders someone barely functional, or anything in between. Likewise "anxiety" could be the kind of thing where someone needs to pull themselves together, or a psychologically crippling condition that needs professional help, or anything in between. From your user name I assume your husband is/was in the army - is he suffering with PTSD after being posted into an active area? If so I'd hope the army would provide some form of counselling to help him through it.

From here all I can do is pray for you both.

Thats why we think he has Autism or something like it. Me personally I don't know if he has anxiety or if he has both anxiety and autism. Thats why he is seeing a VA doctor. Yes he was in the Army but he doesn't have PTSD. Actually I'm the one that has it.

Thank you for your prayers for us. :hug2:
 

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Well I told him when we got married even tho I love him I don't want to be friends if he divorces me. It would be too painful.

My parents didn't become friends until about 20 years after their divorce.
 

Josiah

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As a newlywed myself, I believe that marriage is a bond, a covenant. There is no more "me" or "you" - it has been replaced with US. Like the two natures of Christ, we are united, inseparable. In our ceremony, we did the "candle" thing. Our parents lit the two candles - representing to TWO of us. But after the pastor declared US a COUPLE, WE went forward and TOGETHER lit the ONE marriage candle and (just as important!) blew out the individual (ME) candles. There is no more me. There is now us.

PART of the reason God set it up this way, IMO, is PRECISELY because sin exists, problems exist, we live together in a fallen word full of evil, injustice, wrong, ego. THUS, WE are joined.... together.... united. "For better or for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health." If the world was one big rose garden, if we all lived out our lives on the good ship lollipop, if sin and evil and wrong didn't exist - THIS reason for marriage wouldn't exist.

I believe that two things TERMINATE the covenant, the bond: adultery and desertion (one spouse LEAVING or forcing the other to LEAVE). I'd place the "bar" high for both. They BREAK the bond..... but the spouses could respond with repentance/forgiveness and restore it..... OR....... (God permits REGRETFULLY, SADLY, because of sin) publicly declare the marriage ended (divorce). I reject the ideas of "we are having difficulties..... she got fat on me.... we have too much debt..... I think my coworker is sexier.... he wants sex too often.... he turned out to be a sinner..... she never converted to my church..... he likes Trump.... this is just too much work.... I like the sex with neighbor better..... he doesn't make enough money.... the kids are a pain..... I don't feel that twinkle feeling much anymore....." or any of a host of "reasons". I don't think God acknowledges any of these, and I don't think any of these terminates the bond (and thus there is no "divorce" - in spite of what some secular court may say). Love is unconditional. Christ's love for us is the biblical model.... God's commitment to us is the model.... Love gives, sacrifices, endures. It reveals itself when BAD happens.

Now.... I realize.... the reality of sin, evil, wrong, problems and the reality that the WE is by nature sinful, the two halves of the WE will - at times - make a royal mess of things. Shuck it up to immaturity and sinfulness. But hopefully, LOVE and a bit (even a tiny bit) of maturity calls us back.... and WE work to restore things. Reconciliation is an essential skill in all relationships, but no more than in marriage. It TOO is work..... but (and here's my point)... it ONLY happens among the WE's that are commited to each other, who consider the reality the WE and not the ME. WE ARE together.... thus WE work this out. When WE is replaced with ME, then it's a war - about how the ME can win and defeat the enemy; such a "marriage" is in big trouble - they forgot the covenant, the bond.... they deleted the WE. But yes..... sometimes couples DO forget and reject that...... sometimes couples DO make a royal MESS of things...... sometimes couples delete love and replace it with hate..... sometimes couples go to war and hurt each other so badly, so deeply (remember sin and immaturity) that even God in heaven above is going to have one ____ of a time repairing it. In those cases, "divorce" may be an option - an admission of just what a mess they made of things. A very, very, very sad thing..... and I'm not at all sure God recognizes it (although He may forgive such!). Marriage is an adult thing.


My half cent....


Pax


- Josiah



.
 
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Josiah

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As a newlywed myself, I believe that marriage is a bond, a covenant. There is no more "me" or "you" - it has been replaced with US. Like the two natures of Christ, we are united, inseparable. In our ceremony, we did the "candle" thing. Our parents lit the two candles - representing to TWO of us. But after the pastor declared US a COUPLE, WE went forward and TOGETHER lit the ONE marriage candle and (just as important!) blew out the individual (ME) candles. There is no more me. There is now us.

PART of the reason God set it up this way, IMO, is PRECISELY because sin exists, problems exist, we live together in a fallen word full of evil, injustice, wrong, ego. THUS, WE are joined.... together.... united. "For better or for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health." If the world was one big rose garden, if we all lived out our lives on the good ship lollipop, if sin and evil and wrong didn't exist - THIS reason for marriage wouldn't exist.

I believe that two things TERMINATE the covenant, the bond: adultery and desertion (one spouse LEAVING or forcing the other to LEAVE). I'd place the "bar" high for both. They BREAK the bond..... but the spouses could respond with repentance/forgiveness and restore it..... OR....... (God permits REGRETFULLY, SADLY, because of sin) publicly declare the marriage ended (divorce). I reject the ideas of "we are having difficulties..... she got fat on me.... we have too much debt..... I think my coworker is sexier.... he wants sex too often.... he turned out to be a sinner..... she never converted to my church..... he likes Trump.... this is just too much work.... I like the sex with neighbor better..... he doesn't make enough money.... the kids are a pain..... I don't feel that twinkle feeling much anymore....." or any of a host of "reasons". I don't think God acknowledges any of these, and I don't think any of these terminates the bond (and thus there is no "divorce" - in spite of what some secular court may say). Love is unconditional. Christ's love for us is the biblical model.... God's commitment to us is the model.... Love gives, sacrifices, endures. It reveals itself when BAD happens.

Now.... I realize.... the reality of sin, evil, wrong, problems and the reality that the WE is by nature sinful, the two halves of the WE will - at times - make a royal mess of things. Shuck it up to immaturity and sinfulness. But hopefully, LOVE and a bit (even a tiny bit) of maturity calls us back.... and WE work to restore things. Reconciliation is an essential skill in all relationships, but no more than in marriage. It TOO is work..... but (and here's my point)... it ONLY happens among the WE's that are commited to each other, who consider the reality the WE and not the ME. WE ARE together.... thus WE work this out. When WE is replaced with ME, then it's a war - about how the ME can win and defeat the enemy; such a "marriage" is in big trouble - they forgot the covenant, the bond.... they deleted the WE. But yes..... sometimes couples DO forget and reject that...... sometimes couples DO make a royal MESS of things...... sometimes couples delete love and replace it with hate..... sometimes couples go to war and hurt each other so badly, so deeply (remember sin and immaturity) that even God in heaven above is going to have one ____ of a time repairing it. In those cases, "divorce" may be an option - an admission of just what a mess they made of things. A very, very, very sad thing..... and I'm not at all sure God recognizes it (although He may forgive such!). Marriage is an adult thing.


My half cent....


Pax


- Josiah



.


On a PERSONAL note, Army Wife, I'm very sad about this.... and added you two to my prayer journal.....

Marriage requires TWO to form, but only one to terminate..... desertion can terminate, and that's when one LEAVES (and that doesn't necessarily mean physically). I HOPE some of what I said before comes into primary focus... I HOPE counseling is accepted and that it helps (it WILL help - 100% guarenteed - IF the WE wants it to..... it's a waste of time if a ME has left)....

When you joined to each other, it was mutually promised "For better and for worse." Thousand of years of married couples added that part to the ceremony because worse comes. And THAT'S when you need marriage..... that's when you need the humility and love..... that's when the WE (and not me) becomes critical. Relationships are always work WHEN the going gets rough (and it will). It's what makes the relationship valuable - it forms the bond that makes reconciliation (and growth!) possible. Where relationship doesn't exist... where love doesn't exist.... where WE doesn't exist..... where egoism matters.... problems come and folks give each other the figure and move on. Marriage is for adults. Marriage will be work. Most things of value are.... do..... Here is an opportunity to grow, to apply in very practical and real ways the LOVE that brought you together. But I realize..... none of that cancels out the pain, the hurt. And since often it's only HALF of the WE that is leaving, it can be incredibly frustrating to the other half, a deep sense of powerlessness. No one can be forced to marry - or stay married, as much as our whole being desires such. It takes two to get married but only one to end it.

Sorry....

Praying....

Hoping....




- Josiah
 

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Divorce is sometimes a tragic necessity. Please do not think that being divorced makes you wicked.
 

Krissy Cakes

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Divorce is sometimes a tragic necessity. Please do not think that being divorced makes you wicked.

Well sadly it does. I keep thinking what did I do? What didn't I do? I feel like a horrible person. I must be if he doesn't want me or love me.
 
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