Dating after 30

[Jazzy]

What is the hardest part of dating after 30?

 

[tango]

I can't speak from experience (I'm assuming you're talking about dating new people, rather than taking a spouse on a date).

From talking to friends who are single/divorced/widowed after 30 it seems the biggest issues are emotional baggage and kids from previous relationships. Combining different parenting styles seems to be the hardest aspect of that, particularly when one person is far more permissive or far more financially lax with their kids.

Once kids are adult that aspect goes away, although the issue of whether your children approve of your new partner stays in play to an extent. It must be hard for someone who is ready to move on, only to find their adult children don't think they should be dating at all.

 

[ValleyGal]

Dating after 30 was really easy for me even as a single mom after husband number one left. I was pretty, fit, financially stable, fun and active. I had no problems attracting men. My problem was not choosing one who would be worth keeping. My "baggage" (we ALL come with baggage, btw) was well managed. I had spent two years in therapy post-divorce and was ready, armed with new self-awareness that allowed me to see how my baggage played out in relationship. Up to that point, at least. But just because you deal with some of your stuff, doesn't mean more stuff won't come up. Other stuff. I think the hardest part at any age is finding someone who shares mutual limbic resonance, who truly has your back, who is just as committed and invested in the relationship as you are, who shares your values and at least some of your interests. For me, it's also about character - someone who is kind, respectful, engaging, honest, has integrity and is upstanding and who is respectable and brings out the best in others.

 

[tango]

I remember talking to a friend who was unexpectedly thrown into the dating game in his 40s when his wife decided she didn't want to be married any more. He struggled with the number of women who came with baggage, and I remember saying that anyone of an age to be interested in dating a 40-something guy is going to either have been in at least one serious relationship that ended somehow, or they will have never been in a serious relationship. The ones who have had a serious relationship end will have some kind of baggage, as indeed he had having had a marriage fail. The ones who are in their 40s and have never been in a serious relationship will probably have some other personal issues that explain why they have never had a serious relationship.

 

[ValleyGal]

As I stated, we ALL have serious baggage. We all have attachments and social contexts as infants, toddlers, children, adolescents, and young adults. We all have both inherited and learned traits that we bring to relationships, some of which are family dynamics passed from generation to generation. Forty years ago there was a big thing in Christian circles about "generational sins" or "sins of the fathers" being passed down for seven generations. It was wisdom. Not that if your great grandfather committed adultery that you would automatically pay for that sin, but rather that we might learn through family dynamics and socialization that that behaviour is somehow acceptable on some level, making you potentially more inclined to behave in a similar way. That "baggage" might just be the family's values, behaviours, attachments, etc being passed down and you will inevitably play that out in your dating relationships, marriage, and possibly other close relationships. But we can only become aware of our own baggage, do something about it, and create a safe space for a partner to work out their own baggage with us.

 

[Messy]

Dating after 30 was really easy for me even as a single mom after husband number one left. I was pretty, fit, financially stable, fun and active. I had no problems attracting men. My problem was not choosing one who would be worth keeping. My "baggage" (we ALL come with baggage, btw) was well managed. I had spent two years in therapy post-divorce and was ready, armed with new self-awareness that allowed me to see how my baggage played out in relationship. Up to that point, at least. But just because you deal with some of your stuff, doesn't mean more stuff won't come up. Other stuff. I think the hardest part at any age is finding someone who shares mutual limbic resonance, who truly has your back, who is just as committed and invested in the relationship as you are, who shares your values and at least some of your interests. For me, it's also about character - someone who is kind, respectful, engaging, honest, has integrity and is upstanding and who is respectable and brings out the best in others.

My dad said: No wonder you always date weirdo's. No normal man is interested in you. You're not attractive. Well thanks m8. You have 3 small kids and an ex. No normal guy wants that. Oh you mean that. Yeah I guess you're right. It was actually a sweet thing to say from him.

 

[Messy]

I remember talking to a friend who was unexpectedly thrown into the dating game in his 40s when his wife decided she didn't want to be married any more. He struggled with the number of women who came with baggage, and I remember saying that anyone of an age to be interested in dating a 40-something guy is going to either have been in at least one serious relationship that ended somehow, or they will have never been in a serious relationship. The ones who have had a serious relationship end will have some kind of baggage, as indeed he had having had a marriage fail. The ones who are in their 40s and have never been in a serious relationship will probably have some other personal issues that explain why they have never had a serious relationship.

That 2nd thing doesn't have to be true. Some great guy was interested once. He was in his 40s and just perfect, but I didn't want to ruin his life. I think for me personally it's sin to remarry.

 

[tango]

That 2nd thing doesn't have to be true. Some great guy was interested once. He was in his 40s and just perfect, but I didn't want to ruin his life. I think for me personally it's sin to remarry.

If someone hasn't had a single serious relationship by the time they are into their 40s there will probably be a reason why. A serious relationship doesn't necessarily mean a marriage.

 

[Messy]

If someone hasn't had a single serious relationship by the time they are into their 40s there will probably be a reason why. A serious relationship doesn't necessarily mean a marriage.

Could be. One preacher here was always single. He was a missionary. He married when he was in his 50s. He had gotten so used to being single, his wife had to wait 5 years lol.

 

[Stravinsk]

What is the hardest part of dating after 30?

I don't know. But I do know what I'm not missing.