What do you do when you can't decide?

Lämmchen

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What do you and your spouse do when neither of you can decide (or even agree) on something? How do you go about choosing?
 

tango

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It depends how important it is.

Sometimes if I really don't care I'll just tell my wife she can pick whichever she wants and go with it. If it's something more important then we usually end up not doing anything until we agree on what we are going to do.
 

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Are we talking little stuff, like what to have for dinner, or big stuff, like how to discipline the kids?

I am extremely easygoing in general, and I love simplicity, so for little stuff, I usually don't care. For little things, my husband is the same way, so we don't really find ourselves disagreeing on things like what to cook or what restaurant to go to, etc.

As for bigger disagreements...I'm big on getting stuff into the open, trying to understand the other side, etc... I guess I'm a natural negotiator. My hubby isn't, lol. So when we hit a snag, usually I'll say "Ok, let's sit down and hash it out until we come to an agreement, or at least a better understanding of where we're coming from". And sometimes he doesn't want to, or can't, or is just resistant to that. I guess it's a "guy thing". When there's a problem, he'll tend to do whatever he thinks is the fastes or easiest solution, even if it's not the best or the healthiest thing to do. In my view, as a family, we need to know and understand each other. We all need a chance to submit our input, to say what we think, and to be understood and acknowledged by everyone else. I don't know why that seems to make men uncomfortable... is it laziness? Is it too much effort to sit down and use their brains and hearts for the sake of coming to a good solution for their household? Is the allure of just saying "Whatever you want, dear" and then walking away really that appealing? It sure isn't to me, lol. Then again, I really enjoy and thrive on the exchange of ideas and thoughts. Thankfully, I've taught my son to value other peoples' thoughts and feelings, and he is extremely empathetic and sociable, so I don't think he'll be dismissive or run away when family disagreements arise later in his life. As for the hubster, all I can do is keep trying :)
 

Lämmchen

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The question was just general...whatever we come up with to talk about.

One of our biggest things to decide on is where we're going to go out to eat and that's been something we have struggled with since we were teens and dating.

"Where do you want to go eat?"

"I dunno, where do you want to go?"

"Well, WHAT do you want to have, burgers, pizza, tacos, etc..."

"I dunno, what do you feel like having?"

That's our usual conversation.

I think I've learned to offer him 3 choices but even then he might nix all 3 LOL
 

Inkachu

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Try picking a particular place before you approach him, and saying "Would you like to go to ___ restaurant tonight?" My husband and I can get into those circular conversations, too lol. We've found that we just need to pick something and stick with it. If either of us has the slightest leaning ("I'm kinda feeling like pizza, I guess...") then we go with that.
 

jsimms435

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If it is something like going out to eat then if both of us don't want to go then we dont go. We have a coupon book now so if we do go we need to pick one that has a coupon. Fortunately, it is a big coupon book
 

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I usually give my husband the final say in choosing where to go to eat. Lately he's been asking me since I'm limited on my choices so that's been nice.
 

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I think we don't really disagree much nowadays. I can relate to circular conversations but now that I think about it, I feel we don't even have them as much. I think at first we were being overpolite and trying to hard to make surre the other one had a say but in doing so we weren't really discussing anything. The more we try to make the other person to choose the more we'd go in circles. I think now we have become more comfortable voicing our opinions and that makes things progress more naturally. I tend to ask more "hey, do you feel like going to X for dinner tonight?" and my SO will honestly tell me if they do or if they think money is an issue or also had some idea on what they were hoping for the night.

For bigger things, it helps a lot we are not really trying to win the discussion or to prove that we're right, it has been about finding what works for both, so we tend to discuss where are we coming from or how something is making us feel so by the end we just both naturally tend to lean towards a shared decision.
 

Josiah

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The LITTLE stuff,

This happens SO much my beloved and I laugh and joke about it.... "We're both the youngest child, we can't make decisions." It IS laughable sometimes! We have resorted to flipping a coin, lol...


The BIG stuff -

Fortunately, this rarely is conflict. It's mostly simply WE are unsure what to do. Lots good has already been said. We "sit on it" (if that's possible) and pray about it and talk about it and maybe make a "FOR list and AGAINST list" and discuss that. We may seek advise (from whom depends on the issue) but always make sure it's OUR decision (not simply the advisor's counsel).



.
 

vince284

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I've been following the thread, and have been hesitant to post. Mainly because of replying comments. But I need to bring another scenario to this lifestyle commentary.

The little stuff.

If I ask, what do you want for dinner, what/where would you like to eat... if I get a question back, there is no further conversation, I make the decision. If I'm asked, I do not reply with a question I tell where/what I want to eat.

The BIG stuff...

Roofing the house, buying a car, an addition to the house, vacation...

We have a household account we both pay into (utilities, repairs). We each have separate bank/investment accounts. However, if she wants a new roof, a new car, steak and lobster for dinner, she pays for it, I do not question it. This last summer, I wanted an outdoor kitchen, she gave me $2000 for my kitchen, she doesn't ask where in the processes the project is. A few days ago she wanted a BMW X5 instead of an Audi even though I wanted a very cool Jeep, she got the BMW.

We have no arguments about "what to do", maybe if each other really hated the decision, we discuss it for 5 minutes after, but the deal is done and delivered. I wonder how many people are in this situation.

I have been married for 107 years.
 
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MOJS4545

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with big expenses it is best that there is agreement between both partners otherwise the one who wants to do it should wait
 

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I have a hard time making dissions. So in the end kingoftheunknown decides on things.
 
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