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    Ask a Pastor - Thread: Guidance needed for getting married

    1. #1
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      Guidance needed for getting married

      Hello, i am 34 years old now. Till few weeks back i was against getting married but now my mindset is slightly changing and i need advice on this.

      I avoided marriage for the following reasons:

      1) I am Chubby and have some physical limitation as a Man
      2) I am shy and fear for many things
      3) I have put myself in a shell thinking i am not good for nothing and i will spoil a girl's life

      There are many more reasons, but i love to get advice on how to go about it. How to pray and ask God for his guidance and how i can understand that i am really ready for this. Don't want to do a fake commitment and ruin other life.

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      Quote Originally Posted by Ask a Pastor View Post
      Hello, i am 34 years old now. Till few weeks back i was against getting married but now my mindset is slightly changing and i need advice on this.

      I avoided marriage for the following reasons:

      1) I am Chubby and have some physical limitation as a Man
      2) I am shy and fear for many things
      3) I have put myself in a shell thinking i am not good for nothing and i will spoil a girl's life

      There are many more reasons, but i love to get advice on how to go about it. How to pray and ask God for his guidance and how i can understand that i am really ready for this. Don't want to do a fake commitment and ruin other life.
      The Lord be with you

      Hello my brother in Christ

      This is a difficult request for sever reasons. First, I do not know you, so any advice I might give might not apply at all. Second, you are not from America, and the traditions and practices of your country might be (probably are) different from ours. Third, the question of whether or not you should marry is not one that I can easily sight a Bible verse on, or appeal to my systematic texts. All that being said, I’m going to give it a try and hope the Holy Spirit might use some of my words.

      First off, marriage is a noble estate, instituted by God in Genesis when he paired Adam and Eve (Genesis 2:18-24). It is clear that this is the normal, or typical, arrangement for God to provide comfort, support, and encouragement for us in our daily lives (Ephesians 5:21). It is also the estate by which God ensures, not only that children are born to populate the earth, but also that those children can and should be brought up in the nurture and encouragement of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).

      While the above it true, marriage is not commanded. Some are gifted with the ability to remain single and not be tempted, at least not unduly (1 Corinthians 7:8-9). So, while Proverbs 18:22 is certainly true (He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD), a spouse is not the only “good thing” that the Lord might grant us.

      All this is to say, if you find a wife, you find a good thing. However, if you remain chaste and single, you have also found a good thing. We should not pass judgment on others based on their marital status. Live in peace (2 Corinthians 13:11).

      Now, on to things more subjective and culturally conditioned. In our country, many “chubby” men and women marry and have full and fruitful marriages. This is also true of people who have physical limitations. The key, I think, is to go into the marriage with your eyes open. If you marry someone who is confined to a wheelchair, accept the idea that you are not going to be mountain climbing on your vacations. The essence of the marriage remains the same, two people pledging before God to love and support each other throughout their lives.

      Being shy can be a real problem in meeting a future spouse, but it is no reason to not marry. Some cultures overcome this issue by using “match-makers.”

      Part of your shyness is probably from your third point. Thinking that you are “good for nothing” is a lie. I do not need to know you to know that. I know Jesus, who loves you, who created you, who redeemed you, and who has reserved a heavenly home for you. I know Jesus who has “blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 1:3). That “us” includes you.

      Thinking you will spoil a girl’s life is a real concern for ALL men. After all, we are sinners and sinners mess things up. (Naturally, women are also sinners and can just as easily mess things up.) Being aware of this is actually an advantage. The real truth is that we all do sinful things and hurt the ones we love. Forgiveness is the key, not perfection (Ephesians 4:32). Remember, “love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). What that means, in this case, is that a spouse overlooks the “sins” of their spouse. If they are rude, irritable, etc, you just let it go.

      In a marriage, the husband should seek to be the best husband he can be and the wife should seek to be the best wife she can be. The husband is not called to make his wife the best wife she can be. The wife is not called to make her husband the best husband he can be. We focus on our vocation. There is more than enough to keep us busy. Notice how, in Ephesians 5:22-33, Paul tells husband what they are to do and wives what they are to do, but he does not tell them that husbands are to somehow make their wives reflect this, and he does not tell wives that they are to make their husbands reflect this. In fact, in both cases, the most likely way to change your spouse is for you to tend to your own responsibilities. Even that, though, is no guarantee that the marriage will last (1 Corinthians 7:12-16).

      Next, and this and the next point are the most “my opinion” points in this reply, you are 34. By now you probably have a good idea of how you like things to go. Laundry is done on a certain day, dishes are cleaned and put away in a certain way, you like certain foods and do not like others, and so on. Any woman close to your age will be the same, only her preferences will be different. You will have to accept compromise. You will have to “like” her cooking, even if you don’t. You will have to assure her, not only of your love and respect, but that you know she is working at being a good wife. With God’s blessing, she will do the same for you. Try to remember that putting butter or putting vinegar on spinach is not a big issue and not worth an argument.

      Finally, “are you ready?” Marriage is a complete change in a person’s life. Things completely change again if you are blessed with children. If by “ready” you mean you know what you are getting yourself into, then the answer is “no” for every man and woman. All the study in the world and all the experience in the world as a single person, can not make you “ready.” You simply make your promise to love and honor each other and then become a man of your word. When things get tough, and they will, be a man of your word. That is the best general advice I can give for being ready. If it is available from your pastor, pre-marriage classes can be helpful but do not expect them to supernaturally make everything easy.

      Boy, for someone with no concrete advice, I’ve written a lot. Bottom line, if you would like to get married, that is grand. In the USA, I’d say start by simply meeting women, maybe at church, maybe at the laundry mat, or some other place. I’d say, don’t force things. Just get to know some ladies and see what happens.

      In any culture I’d remind you that you are a loved child of God, with eternal value.

      I hope this has helped, or at least didn’t hurt.

      Blessings in Christ
      Pastor John Rickert
      Last edited by Pastor Rickert; 10-28-2019 at 01:12 PM.

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