He's moving in

Two and a half years after our initial separation, my ex is moving back in... into my son's old room (son moved out earlier this year).

The marriage ended badly, but it is not up to me to give any details, aside from the fact that I still go through bouts of resentment from time to time (not often).

A couple of months ago, he said he wants a chance to earn my trust back. This was rocky and tentative at first, but we came up to an agreement where he moves in with the intended goal of reconciliation. We all know that building trust takes a long time, so reconciliation is going to be a process, and we both know that reconciliation may not happen.

Reconciliation is more than saying "oops, sorry" and the other saying "it's okay." Reconciliation has two parts: penance and forgiveness.

Penance has three parts to it: confession and repentance (both to God and to the offended person), and consequence (amends is part of this). The ex's moving back in is his efforts to make amends, and acknowledging that building my trust will take time is part of the consequence.

Forgiveness is about letting go of the perceived debt - but not letting them off the hook; there are still consequences, such as my caution with regard to rebuilding trust. Forgiveness also requires sorrow, which comes from the humility that recognizes we are no better than the one who harmed us, and that we ourselves require forgiveness.

Both positions require humility and vulnerability, and this makes both positions very difficult indeed, and vulnerability requires at least a small measure of trust.

Reconciliation is not necessarily about becoming romantically involved again, though that is a potential outcome. Reconciliation is restoring a right relationship.

So the ex is moving in. Thoughts?

tango said:

I'm curious about your ex moving in if your goal isn't necessarily being romantically involved again. I'd have thought him moving in would be a precursor to looking to restore the marriage.

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It began as a discussion of amends (he will take care of finances around here while I save for a year and then go to grad school). When I asked if he was serious, he said yes, as long as it would be with the goal of reuniting. I agreed, as long as he also covered several counselling sessions for us.

tango said:

I agree entirely with you about it taking time, and that the process has to involve acknowledging hurts and making a conscious decision to move past them. Obviously only you can decide when to extend forgiveness and whether and how to restore the relationship, and in what form.

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I have already extended forgiveness, as I have not expected any repayment of anything I figured he owed me. Well, that's not entirely true... last fall, in a very financially challenging time for me, I did get upset and brought up exactly what the marriage cost me, and the fact that I was still paying for it two years on. But I did not ask him for anything, even then. But I DID say "I could have been vengeful, not divorced and made you live with [my resentment and pain]." So I was still working all that out last fall.

tango said:

Has he taken at least some initial steps to earning initial trust, prior to moving in? Restoring a relationship in any form takes trust and vulnerability from both sides but from where I'm sitting it seems you're making yourself a lot more vulnerable than he is.

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He has also had to make some major lifestyle adjustments by doing this - the initial steps of earning trust, and he knows there is no guarantee of reuniting. But yes, I am making myself very vulnerable by doing this. When I do something, I do it wholeheartedly, and that requires vulnerability - the price to pay for the hope of fulfilling relationships.

Thank you for your thoughts and your thought-provoking questions.

Thank you. This will be a tough year for both of us, I'm sure, but that only means there will be plenty of opportunities to confront resentments and earn trust.